You Know It’s Time to Reevaluate Things When…

I’ve got some straightening out to do.

It has become more likely that you’ll wake up in the morning to find a Kraft Singles plastic wrapper in your bed than a condom wrapper and/or a sexual partner.

You end up canceling more dates than you go on.

You get more push notifications from Domino’s pizza than you do from actual human beings.

The first thing that auto-populates on your internet web browser when you type the letter “I” is the URL for your ex-girlfriend’s Instagram profile.

You have had more jobs than significant relationships in the past decade. Like, a lot more. And you are, in fact, unsure anymore of how to be in a significant relationship.

Your stomach protrudes to a point that when you look down it blocks the sightline to your dick.

You describe yourself as “kind of like the offspring of a VSCO girl and a broken McFlurry machine” and are really only half-joking.

You don’t want to be this way at all, but you’d often rather be alone than go on a first date, then lament the fact that every night you’re missing out on potentially meeting the love of your life.

You have an elliptical in your apartment that you use mostly as a clothing hanger.