Things I Have Gone Off Mute to Say

I’m a workhorse, not a show horse, and when it comes to meetings I’d usually rather be not there and doing something else. I acknowledge that they’re occasionally essential and that it can be important to be engaged, but after a couple years of video conference gatherings I prefer to be off-camera and on-mute as much as possible. But sometimes you just gotta click that little button and make your voice heard — show people you’re listening and have some sort of contribution worth making to the conversation.

Here are a few things I have recently gone off of mute to say to colleagues and/or clients.

“Yeah, so I’m Scott. Associate Creative Director. Long time listener, first time baller.”

“I went bird-watching once!”

“Actually, while we were on the road trip for that video shoot we somewhat randomly tried Rocky Mountain Oysters. I think that was the day I finally decided to stop doing shit just to say I had ‘an experience’.”

“I don’t know, man. I just work here.”

“I personally don’t trust people who love horses that much.”

“I’m going to have to drop soon. Happy Hour is starting.”

“I can’t be the only one hearing this background noise. Are somebody’s dogs about to murder each other? Is that what’s going on? Sounds like something much more than a minor disagreement that they’re having.”

“I don’t have any additional feedback so I’m going to go back on mute because of those sirens in the background. They’re coming for me, I think. Because I dipped a regular potato chip in salsa con queso just now. I deserve punishment, quite frankly. I’m fine to pay for what I’ve done.”

“What fresh hell is this?”

“Having to use Outlook has really done a negative number on my general outlook.”

“I don’t really trust his creative opinion since he told us yellow Starburst are his favorite flavor.”

“We just gotta try to have some fun with it, you know?”

“Hell yeah baby! Heat in six!”

“I’ve been getting really, really into apple juice lately. It’s like god’s sweat, in my opinion. Just bought another crate of those fancy little glass bottles the other day. My vices are becoming habits.”

“Eeyore is actually my Patronus and i tell you what he does not like being summoned. And I’m a Hufflepuff. No, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Knibb High Football rules!”

Yeah it is McDonald’s. Yeah I am in bed. What of it, JANET?

“I can’t believe somebody heated up salmon in the microwave today. What an obnoxious amateur move. Yes, I am at home. Yes, I am alone.”

“I actually almost didn’t get a job once because I sweat too much during the interview. They thought it was nerves but I don’t know, it’s just that my body is really great at regulating its temperature. I may actually be ahead of the curve from an evolutionary standpoint.”

“Seriously? Yeah, I’ll bet my next paycheck that that’s not going to move the needle. Not at all.”

“Fuck me. I thought I was on mute.”

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