Some Things That Might Happen to You

Life can be a pretty interesting time.

Your parents will, by way of a digital cloud-syncing snafu, end up with access to your Google Chrome search history on their iPad. They will have questions they do not want to ask you, and will instead alert you to the issue and hope you can help them fix it, in hopes they will no longer have any way of knowing how often you visit the Bang Bus website.

You will have to find ways to cope with being alone with your own thoughts for extended periods of time — and the mechanisms you use to do so will evolve over time, too, for better or worse.

You will get so high on weed gummies that you will actually find yourself searching for your cell phone while you actually have it in hand and are watching TikTok videos on the device.

You will experience great losses that you truly believe you cannot come back from — then you’ll find that you can, and that you’ve learned more than you would have ever thought possible from the entire experience.

You will fall into love and then have to find a way to somehow claw your way back out from it.

You will fall into love and find that it has some serious staying power.

You will think it’s just an innocent little fart brewing until you realize that it is not. And you will almost definitely be in a place where you have no extra underwear on hand, and no convenient way to procure some. Which essentially means you will free-ball it when you had no intention to, likely in a place where it is inappropriate to do so. Like a wedding reception, for example. But you will take comfort in the notion that nobody but you has any idea you’re dangling your plums in your freshly pressed slacks.

You will weep uncontrollably at a wedding for people you don’t even know that well. You will feel embarrassed about doing so, though you should not. And, eventually, you will learn that there’s really no shame whatsoever in sentimentality — that crying in a room full of strangers is just something that is occasionally part of the life you’re living.

You will find yourself in a job that is not at all what you were promised or what you expected, and you will feel trapped for a certain spell of time. But you will move on to other things, and eventually a better way to spend your vocational hours will present itself, often when you least expect it.

You will prematurely ejaculate and do your best to convince the person you were with that it’s actually a high compliment to them while also beating yourself up incessantly not for shooting your shot (heh), but for doing so in such a quick and untimely manner.

You will take medication that keeps you from prematurely ejaculating, or ejaculating at all, most of the time, but that at least tips the scales when it comes to getting your head in a semi-right space. You will wish you did not have to take this medication or selection of them, but you will also accept that sometimes things are the way they are and what you wish for isn’t always or even often going to come true — and that life is not ultimately about attempting to wish things away.

You will endure what you eventually realize is always going to be there, physically, mentally or both — and you will do your best to find ways to not succumb to it, as difficult as that may be.

You will find more comfort in a game or book or film or television show than you can seem to possibly find in real life, and part of you will want to spend your time creating something in that vein that can elicit the same response from others. You will want to contribute to the notion of escapism, because you’ll know first-hand that sometimes it’s necessary.

You will experience moments of happiness that at the time you won’t be fully able to appreciate, and will in time realize you are unable to replicate. Though this will not stop you from trying, maybe for the rest of your life.

You will reach certain proverbial crossroads where it seems like there’s really no good place to go, no advisable direction to take. But you’ll make a choice and plow forth, because you know no matter how things end, you don’t want to end up where you currently are.

You will make the wrong decision and have to find a way to live with it.

You will walk into a room and not be the smartest person there — and you will attempt to find ways to compensate, some of which show a different kind of intelligence than simple smarts.

You will try to believe in something that is a greater power than you. You will have varying degrees of success.

You will win and not be graceful about it. You may even be insufferable.

You will lose and not be graceful about it. You may even be insufferable.

You will allow people to see a side of you you hoped would never be revealed, and maybe weren’t even fully cognizant of existing until it comes to the forefront.

You will rest on your laurels for a while, contemplating whether what you have is enough, or if there’s more out there for you that might worth exploring or pursuing.

You will get so close without actually making it.

You will miss connections because of choices you make, but you’ll of course never know what they could have been — or if the choices you made were the best ones. Instead, you’ll have to accept that those choices were, in the grand scheme of things, the only ones that really matter.

You will find yourself in a position where you are unable to help the people you love — who you want to help the most. Maybe more than anything.

You will realize that certain people do not like you, though you won’t know exactly why. You will concoct several ideas, though you won’t ever find out if they’re completely or even close to accurate.

You will not like certain people, sometimes for reasons you can’t really comprehend, or at least don’t want to admit to yourself.

You will realize in the roughest of times that eventually you’re going to be okay.