Some Exchanges I Had While Participating in Several Market Research Focus Groups

As someone who works in advertising, I found this to be quite enjoyable.

“Actually, I once drank nothing but Mountain Dew for an entire week. No ice, because I was on a work trip in Mexico and very afraid of getting Montezuma’s Revenge. I do not like when my tummy is upset.”

“You drank Mountain Dew, exclusively, for seven days and thought this would not make you sick?”

“Hey, it worked.”

“No water?”

“Barely even showered, my guy.”

“What about food?”

“Taco Bell, baby.”

“In Mexico?”

“Due to exponential exposure through the years, I have build up a gastrointestinal immunity to anything Taco Bell can throw at me. And even when traveling out of your comfort zone, I find it best to stick with the devil you know.”

“This is by no means an endorsement of that behavior, but honestly, it’s pretty impressive.”

“Thanks, I guess. You should’ve seen my project manager’s face when she opened up my post-trip expense report. Two-liters and Crunchwrap Supremes for days.”

“Good lord.”

“Shortly thereafter, I failed a physical I had to take to qualify for life insurance. Anyway. Funny thing is, I still absolutely love the stuff. Had one this morning. Okay, two. Once you get on that train you keep punchin’ your ticket and you don’t ever wanna get off.”

“Why are you even bringing this up?”

“Well, I just thought I should let you know I have a lot of Mountain Dew brand loyalty when it comes to soda, and as such am very biased.”

“That’s noted, thank you. But out of curiosity, what makes you such a fan of Mountain Dew?”

“Have you ever tasted it? It’s heavenly. Once you Do the Dew, nothing else compares.”

“So you’re saying, no matter what, the advertisements we’re about to show you will not be able to persuade you to purchase a soda that is not Mountain Dew?”

“Yeah, man. Fuck Starry. Bet that stuff sucks. It ain’t even caffeinated.”

“I feel like you’re leading the witness a little bit here, so I respectively object.”

“Sir, this is not a courtroom. It is a market research focus group.”

“Well, it’s quickly becoming a ruckus and a farce, if you ask me.”

“We did not ask you.”

“So you’re saying my objection is overruled, then?”

“To me, the music seemed off.”

“Could you please elaborate?”

“It kinda bummed me out. Made me a little emotional, and not in a comfortable way. Lacked pizzaz, for sure.”

“I will point out that it is a film promoting an innovative new drug that helps combat a very rare cancer.”

“Exactly!”

“So the goal of the creative is very specifically to make you feel something.”

“Feels like you’re leading the witness again, but feel something, I did. It was just way too dark, man. If this drug can really help people, shouldn’t the messaging lead with optimism and not try to generate fear?”

“We’ll note that.”

“Cool. Just thought it should be more, you know, upbeat.”

“More pizzaz.”

“Yeah, you feel me.”

“Do you happen to have any recommendations regarding a musical tone that might help?”

“Freebird.”

“Freebird.”

“It’s big pharma. They can afford it.”

“Did you know that condoms don’t always work, even if probably used properly?”

“What?”

“It’s true.”

“Sure. But what does that have to do with the topic at hand?”

“Far as I could tell, that thing you just showed us is from a financial firm that pledges, among other things, to help you save adequate money for your children to go to college and hopefully graduate, albeit likely with a degree that will do them, at best, next to no good?”

“That’s one way of putting it, your way, but, that was one element of the messaging and a service that they do offer, so it’s a good sign that you picked up on that and it stuck with you.”

“So it is very much about condoms, if you think about it.”

“I’m not following.”

“What I’m saying is, if Trojan had lived up to their end of the bargain, I would probably have a boat by now. But instead I’m saving so my kid can go to college. Is it starting to connect for you yet?”

“It is, and we should stop right there. It’s making me, and likely everyone else in the room, extremely uncomfortable.”

“Oh it is? Try being in my seat, bud. You ever do any market testing for Trojan? You know people over there? If you do, tell ’em Bud said they oughta level up their product.”

“Um, okay…”

“Unless they’re in cahoots with Big Minivan. I got one of those now, too. And I know what you’re thinking: ‘Did you have more than one condom malfunction, or did you get a minivan just to accommodate the one kid?’ And my answer is, this isn’t about me.”

“I am staunchly opposed to the right to free speech in this here country.”

“Come again?”

“In fact, I hate it.”

“Well, okay…”

“And we’re all controlled by tiny slug-like alien creatures that have infiltrated our brains, probably while we were asleep.”

“I really don’t — “

“Is now the part where you say I may be excused?”

“One more time: This is not a courtroom. You most certainly are not in the middle of jury selection.”

“So then that’s a no?”

“It’s a no.”

“Hoisted by my own petard, yet again!”

“That doesn’t even make sense. That’s now how you use that term.”

“Objection.”

“Overruled.”

“So I can’t leave?”

“Of course you can leave. You just won’t be paid.”

“Well, alright then. Let’s see this advertisement about adult diapers. Roll that beautiful bean footage.”