Some Excerpts From My Self-Help and Advice Book Proposal

Photo by Tim Goedhart on Unsplash

It’s great to be mindful and live in the moment, sure, but it’s also important to have some foresight. Like, you should always order another Whopper for the next day, especially if you’re going to have a heavy night. You’ll need it. Trust me.

Life isn’t about the number of breaths you take. It’s about how many people mention you in their Instagram story on your birthday.

If you’re never in an official, meaningful or exclusive relationship, you’ll never be tempted to cheat!

When you’re shelling out a bunch of money for therapy that is out of network, try your best not to think about what else you might have spent those funds on, like dual air fryers or enough whiskey to kill a full-grown moose — both things that can be therapeutic in their own ways.

A lot will change for you if and when you swap out that “Eat. Pray. Love.” sign for one that says, “Drink. Cry. Shrug.” Keep in mind I did not say that all change is good change.

At a certain point life for many of us becomes a lot about doing a bunch of things you don’t want to do at all.

You’ve got to put yourself out there if you really want to find lasting love, acceptance, success, etc. — always gotta be up for something that has the potential to completely bring you down.

You should always find a way to like the way you look, but there’s also comfort in saving enough money for something like botox or a male breast reduction. Just in case. We’re all snacks, but sometimes things go off the rails and we end up getting addicted to them instead.

You can find the positive or silver linings in most things if you try hard enough. For example, if you completely let yourself go, that’s not exactly great, and definitely not healthy, but you can take some comfort in the notion that you’ll never be confused for Slenderman.

Dry spells build character!

I tell you what: You will almost definitely not find yourself on your deathbed wishing you had spent more time looking at (or hell, posting!) thirst traps.

Always remember that what you’re doing now, the stuff you think is super important, would likely change in level or scope of importance — and probably pretty drastically — if aliens invaded the planet tomorrow.

You don’t have to grow up. Actually, why would you really want to?

Everything happens for a reason if you count “no fucking reason” as a reason. And people have their reasons for many if not most things they do or say, but it’s okay to believe that said reasons are completely stupid. You might even be right.

You can’t necessarily will just anything into existence, but you can try. The other day I wore a flannel shirt when it was 90 degrees outside in hopes it would coax autumn to come early. It didn’t work but I’ve stayed the course. I could have taken that unnecessary layer of clothing off, but I just cranked my air conditioner instead. One key to happiness in life is an openness to creative problem solving, a willingness to pivot.

Anybody can fall in love. Most of us do at least once. It’s pretty easy and you often have absolutely no control over it happening. The true skill comes in finding a way to claw your way out of love if and when you have to.

If you love what you do, keep your head on a swivel. Always be prepared for someone or something to take it away from you. Fear is a great motivational tool.

At the end of it all, we will have been the unreliable narrator of our own life story.

Self-sabotage is much easier to achieve than self-awareness.

It’s kind of sad in several ways that our thumbs these days seem to work harder than our hearts. And isn’t it really weird to think about how many relationships have, in the past decade, started while one or both parties was on the toilet?

If you’ve got a difficult conversation coming up, the best thing you can do is completely avoid it! Well. Maybe not the best thing. But occasionally this is a viable option.

Sometimes the most effective action is inaction. Or resignation. If your’e waiting for feedback one thing you can do is close your computer for the day. Said feedback will then come immediately.

If you keep telling people you’re here for a good time and not a long time then you better be doing some shit to back that up. Nobody likes a fraud.

Anti-depressants help with a lot of things. Including premature ejaculation. That’s a tangential benefit. Sometimes they swing the pendulum a little too far the other way, but there are other medications you can take to help remedy that.

You make the deals big most of the time. Nobody ever said you have to care. I know that doesn’t mean you’ll be able to just…not. But, yeah.

There’s really no solid timeframe for matters of the heart, like getting over someone and completely moving on. I mean, I know people who have been married and divorced more than once in the amount of time it took me to get over my first legitimately serious girlfriend. And just the other day I had a dream about the high school love of my life who I haven’t even seen in person for like a dozen years or something, and probably won’t ever see again. I’m not saying this isn’t weird. But I have to think that it’s certainly not unprecedented. And I suppose I’ve buried the lede here: Nothing about your heartbreak or pretty much anything else you’re going through is completely unique. People have gone through similar if not the exact same things as you. You’re not special. Which is a special thing to come to grips with. It can comfort you, if you let it.

A true stoic is someone who doesn’t jump when someone else jiggles the handle when they have a toilet door locked.

We all age, some of us more gracefully than others. You might find that one day you wake up and realize you’re older than the stars of MILF porn, and that pretty much every professional athlete you’re casually gambling on is years younger than you. Getting older is (mostly) unavoidable. May as well embrace it.

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