Some Comments I Imagine Coming From My Girlfriend Since I Shared My Phone Location With Her

She would never actually say any of these things.

What are you doing spending so much time at Arby’s? The frequency with which you go there is slightly alarming, given your current cholesterol levels and the fact that their tagline is “We have the meats.” And the length of your visits is mildly disturbing. You’d think it’d be more of a get in and get out kind of thing if you were just eating there. And if you’re actually working or passing time in some other way at Arby’s, I have several follow-up questions.

Have you gone outside today? When was the last time you actually did? Even going to the coffee shop you can hit with a rock from your apartment counts. Maybe a grocery run to the store a two-minute walk away. Or a quick lap around the park. If you don’t immediately recall the last time you breathed some fresh air, that’s not something I’d particularly refer to as a “White Flag.” I know you know this, but maybe it’s pertinent to remind you that there is more to life than desk, couch, bed. And here’s an add-on question: When’s the last time you put on a pair of hard pants? Additionally, how many episodes of 30 Rock have you watched in the past 24 hours?

Do you have a third job working at the liquor store? Have you been trading services for bottles of Bushmills?

You’ve been at a location that seems to be a strip club for quite some time now. What’s going on there? If that’s how you want to spend some singles, I’m not going to be overly judgmental about it. The only reason I’m bringing it up at all is because it’s 12:30 in the afternoon on a Tuesday. Have you decided to forgo your usual intermittent fasting for a decadent lunch at the buffet they offer? (Don’t worry about how I know they have a moderately decent buffet. This isn’t about me.)

Looks like you’re at the gym. Good on you for working out a little bit and breaking a sweat not induced by anticipatory anxiety. Getting those steps in is important. Unless of course you only went down there to fill up your water bottle because your sinks are on the fritz again.

Have you been abducted by aliens? I don’t know why else you’d be in Pilsen at this time of night when you rarely venture outside a tiny radius from your home except to go to the office. Do I want to know what you’re doing there? I’m unsure. But whatever. Make sure you text me when you make it home.

You were stationary by the lake for a pretty long time today. Were you working on honing your rock-skipping skills, or were you just blankly gazing at the water again, like it’s a portal to the abyss?

Why are you still at home? We’re going to be super late to dinner. Again. See, this is why I tell you our reservations are at least 15 minutes prior to when they actually are. I’m dating a grown man who can’t ever seem to be on time. And don’t give me that “fashionably late” bullshit again, young man.

I see you are apparently getting a massage. Just a casual reminder that there are no such things as “Accidental Happy Endings.” If they go for your junk, you can tell them to stop. I don’t think it will offend them. They’ll probably be happy to not give you one.

I see you’re at Nordstrom and will, as you’ve asked me to do, give you a little reminder that it’s not your obligation to single-handedly keep the Faherty brand in business. As you often say, you need another shacket like you need a hole in the head.

Did you just go straight from Arby’s to Taco Bell? I’m worried. But not worried enough not to request that you pick me up a Crunchwrap Supreme.