Some Comments I Have Made in Google Docs Criticizing My Own Work

Sometimes I tend to be a little hard on myself.

What the hell am I doing? Writing a goddamn fortune cookie? Enough with the platitudes.

If brevity is the soul of wit, you’ve got neither soul nor wit.

This writing is lazier than a dude whose favorite position is Reverse Cowgirl, and lame as a dude whose favorite position is Missionary with his eyes closed for the entire 30 seconds.

You should take a vow of silence and include the written word with it.

This manifesto sucks harder than a Dyson.

The Bible is more readable than this. You auditioning to pen a chapter for Trump’s version or what, you talentless hack?

If anyone sees these scrawlings you will likely never fully recover professionally. You may even get yourself locked up.

You know, you’re allowed to end one sentence and start a new one every now and then. See? I just did. You can really run a string of words longer than your feet can take you, and it’s not artful. It’s exhausting.

Maybe you should reallocate the funds you’re spending on a premium Bang Bus subscription to a Grammarly one, bud.

This is an assignment for a prophylactic brand, not a journal for your incoherent inner thoughts. Did you even read the brief?

Is this an irreverent, satirical eulogy for the well-written word, or am I looking too deeply into things here? It’s probably just bad at face value, without substance beyond, well, face value. You’re not clever enough to make it awful on purpose, as, like, some sort of ironic joke. You don’t even fully grasp what “ironic” really even means, do you? Be honest.

Bet people are laughing behind your back and calling you the nickname “AI,” because all your intelligence is artificial. And you should definitely buy more into the concept of practice.

I am honestly shocked you were able to craft a sentence so poor it has me nearly yearning for the sweet release of death. I’d rather read everything E.L. James has ever published than another paragraph of this slop.

Seriously man, with the fucking parenthetical asides. You’ve got to get a goddamn grip.

Are you going to use the Oxford comma or not? Choose a lane, bud.

It’s like you don’t even know what a past participle is. But I’ll grant you some compassion there. I’m not sure if anybody does.