I Am This Many Years Old
I am “blowing rails of Lipitor after a burger” years old.
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I am “was going to buy an iPad but had to pay $1,200 for foot orthotics instead” years old.
I am “hungover for three days after simply looking at three White Claws” years old.
I am “not losing weight, just purchasing bigger shirts” years old.
I am “just horny enough to attempt to act on it once every fiscal quarter or so” years old.
I am “threw out my back just by breathing and then hurt it worse by lying in bed for too long” years old.
I am “periodically checking my blood pressure at a grocery kiosk and reporting it to my doctor” years old.
I am “no longer fooled by porn hot versus real-life beautiful” years old.
I am “older than the milfs in milf porn” years old.
I am “missed my chance at making a ’30 under 30’ list” years old.
I am “much older than the vast majority of elite athletes” years old.
I am “hoping nobody remembers it’s my birthday” years old.
I am “constantly wondering if I’m running out of time” years old.
I am “increasingly more resigned to the notion that I’m going to die alone and at a desk” years old.
I am “really excited on nights when I get to have an ‘early-to-bed party’” years old.
I am “wishing my metabolism was moving as fast as my hairline” years old.
I am “can’t say I’m ‘too young’ for pretty much anything anymore” years old.
I am “would rather watch live YouTube videos than go to an actual concert” years old.
I am “blowing rails of Lipitor after I consume a burger” years old.
I am “lamenting the passing-by of my sexual prime” years old.
I am “immediately turned the new Tool album way down from 11” years old.
I am “pretty sad dating apps didn’t exist when I was in college” years old.
I am “hanging out with more and more divorcees by the month” years old.
I am “too tired to beat off but too wired to sleep without my CPAP machine” years old.
I am “my cholesterol is higher than my confidence” years old.
I am “every carb makes me gain a cup size” years old.
