He Was Right

Photo by ALEXANDRE LALLEMAND on Unsplash

I stumble quickly and loudly out of my room on my way to vomit.

When I finish in the restroom he’s on the couch already ripping into a 12-pack and says I should try mixing a Cool Blue Gatorade half-and-half with some orange juice (hold the pulp), chug it, then snap one off, take a shower and thank him later.

“Cures any hangover,” he says. “Best remedy there is, if you ask me. Aside from weed. And, you know, hair of the dog, but that gets a little cyclical and tough to keep up with.” He holds up a beer.

A year and change later he starts worshipping my girlfriend. Literally.

Gets a crew of like-minded dudes to do the same thing.

It quickly becomes something of a cult. Though of course they deny that it’s a cult, just like anyone who forms a cult tends to do.

She enjoys the attention, loves being the one others like more than she likes them, just like we all secretly do. She tells me I didn’t exactly set the bar high given that my idea of a good time was eating pizza on the couch and watching the same shows over and over again, occasionally agreeing to go down the street to the theater — that the most passion I showed during our relationship would be when the takeout place forgot the ranch dressing and i’d actually call them on the phone to complain.

I can’t argue well against this, so I shrug and I move out.

Things get bigger. With the cult, that is. And they move upstate. They’ve actually recruited several of my (former, now, I guess) friends. I guess they saw something I didn’t. I can be kind of myopic, especially when it’s convenient for me.

Do I hate myself for bringing the two of them together? Sure.

Do I hate them both for forming their thing, whatever the fuck it is, and double so because they seem to be extremely happy and actually not really hurting anyone outside of their membership? God yes.

Do I still keep Cool Blue Gatorade and no-pulp orange juice in my refrigerator at all times? Absolutely.

Just because someone starts a cult doesn’t mean they might not have some good ideas. And just because someone plays a huge role in ruining your life doesn’t mean they aren’t right about certain things.



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