Excerpts from My Forthcoming Food-Themed Erotic Novella
“These are my Domino’s Eating Pants,” he said. “Do you like the elastic band?”
“Guac’s always extra,” he said, winking as he rubbed mashed avocado and cilantro all over his naked body. “It has that good fat. Look at me: I’m a big, bad walking taco.”
“Feel like burning the midnight oil?” he whispered as he slathered olive oil all over his vaguely ursine, glistening chest. He winked, said, “We’re gonna be up all night — and between you and me, nothing about this is extra virgin.”
“Good morning,” he whispered as he poured maple syrup all over his chest. “I’m the most important meal of the day.”
“We accept the love we think we deserve,” he whispered as he prepared to place his order from the street meat cart, including extra white sauce, but on the side.
“Go ahead,” he said. “Treat me like a piece of meat.” He handed me a bottle of A1 steak sauce and a dry rub.
“No, no, no — I’m the best part of waking up,” he whispered as he began to dump a carafe of cold brew over his head while maintaining intense eye contact. When he’d poured out every last drop he pointed to his genitals, said, “Do you take yours with nut milk?”
“I wanna layyyyyyy you down on a bed of bacon, but for tonightttttt I sleep on a bed of kale,” he sang to the tune of Bon Jovi’s “Bed of Roses.”
“My safe word is ‘vegan.’”
Just before he walked out the door, he turned around and said, with a sigh, “Of all the things we lose in this life, weight is one of the easiest to find.” I never saw him again.
“I hear you like to party,” he said as he cut up a line of Lipitor and blew a lengthy rail. “So let’s get weird.”
“I’ll be right back,” he said with a wink. “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable.” Five minutes later, he returned. “These are my Domino’s Eating Pants,” he said. “Do you like the elastic band?”
“I’m a bad, bad hombre,” he said as he dipped his toe into the bathtub filled with pico de gallo and sour cream. “Somebody better get me out.”
“You can call me the prison warden,” he said. “Because if you stay with me, you’ll get three hots and a cot.”
“I don’t know if you can keep up with me,” he whispered. “Do you think you can? Because let me tell you something: I live every day like it’s cheat day.”
“Vegan. Vegan. VEGAN! For the love of Christ, VEGAN!!!!!!!!”
