Coach Prepares Sully for a First Date

Just imagine Explosions in the Sky playing in the background throughout.

We have a chance to make history here tonight, Sullivan. Legends have been made from much less, in more difficult situations. I want you to remember that. Especially when you start perspiring freely, mostly in the armpit region, at the very beginning of the night’s proceedings. Don’t let that hold you back.

You’re gonna sweat. You and I both know this. But you know what sweat means? You care. Or something like that.

Well, history won’t be made here, exactly, but wherever you’re taking her. Which better not be Ponderosa. Not this time. Or ever again. You can do better. I do know the buffet is exquisite, something of a hidden gem, but it doesn’t carry with it the kind of cachet we’re looking for here. Nobody goes back to their dorm hall to tell all their eagerly awaiting friends a dude took her to Ponderosa unless it’s to mock you for making such a tacky choice.

We clear? Better be crystal.

Good. Because I’m serious. No Ponderosa, Sully. And stay away from the wings, wherever you choose to go. It’s honestly kind of disheartening that I even had to mention those things in the first place, but sometimes what you don’t say can really end up coming back to bite you in the ass just as much if not more than what you do say. Remember that, too.

While I’m at it, we should probably talk attire. No athleisure. No slides. Slides are never appropriate, even if you have the feet to pull them off, which you certainly do not. And don’t let yourself think, not even for one second, that boot-cuts are the way to go — tempting as they may be, peering at you from the dredges of your ill-equipped closet.

And I guess also it’s not exactly “We” either. We can only take you so far. Eventually this is gonna be all on you. I want to tell you you’re not gonna be alone out there but I promised you I’d never lie to you. Does that scare you? I think it does. I can see you sweating already. And you know what? It scares me too. It shakes me to my very core. But it’s true what they say: At some time, we will all be tested.