Answers to Some of the Questions Hinge Has Asked Me
They’re honest—because why wouldn’t they be?
Where To Find Me At The Party.
You might not be able to find me at all. I don’t really like parties. I spent my 30th birthday eating at a sushi restaurant in Brooklyn with my Mom — by choice. (I was going through a rough patch and was more than content to take it easy.)
Oftentimes I end up flaking, even when I have RSVP’d that I’ll be in attendance well in advance. (It always seems like a good idea at the time.) Sometimes I get anxious about large social gatherings and also often prefer whiling away the hours alone, especially at night, which has, to be honest, not really been conducive to finding lasting relationships.
If I have made an appearance at said party chances are pretty high that I’ve already left without telling anyone.
If you show up and I’m still there, I’m either in the corner eating some hors d’oeuvres or telling a terrible story like the one about how I once thought I had an STD but it was just a nickel allergy. Depends on my mood.
Craziest Office Party
So I’m working at Mashable and we have this big holiday blowout. There’s an open bar stocked with all kinds of stuff, including Johnnie Walker Black Label. I decide I’m going to try and drink as much of it as I can because I’m still at that age where free booze is invaluable.
I black out way early and am incoherent to the point that one of my bosses wonders if I am not only drunk but also on drugs (which I am not). A responsible colleague gets me into an Uber and sends me home, gives the driver his cell number and tells him to text him when I safely arrive home.
He gets a text from the driver that reads, “Your boy just got out of my car in Chinatown.”
I wake up in my own bed in Brooklyn the next morning (miles from Manhattan’s Chinatown), still drunk, so I feel fine. I have an inkling that I have made a fool of myself the previous evening, and so I decide to try and balance things by being into work on time the morning after a holiday party.
When my aforementioned responsible colleague shows up, I ask him to tell me about my night.
To this day, nobody knows what I did in Chinatown or how I got home that night.
Dream Dinner Guest
Mark Twain or Kurt Vonnegut. Whoever is available. Also my Grandpap. The last time I spoke with him before he died I wasn’t in the best of places and I’d like to show him that I’m doing (mostly) alright now — though I still have plenty of work to do.
My Last Meal Would Be
I can’t eat for days before a big work meeting, so I’m pretty sure if I knew I were about to die I wouldn’t have much of an appetite.
Unless I were stoned. Then I’d eat at least two chicken carbonara pasta bread bowls from Domino’s.
But there’s also that chance that being stoned would just get me more freaked out about my impending demise, which would make it the first and only time in my life I’ve been ripped to shreds on that Devil’s lettuce and didn’t have a more than mild case of the munchies.
Who’s to tell? I’ve been high more times than I care to quantify but not when I knew I was about to fucking die.
Go-To Dish To Cook
Onions. It’s weird, I know, but I’m really happy slicing up a few onions and sautéing them in a skillet with some butter and Old Bay. I’ll eat them straight up or throw some shrimp or chicken in there, but the onions are the star. (Two interesting things to note: I cry a lot but for some reason don’t cry while I’m cutting onions, and also if you sauté those fuckers well enough they don’t make your breath smell bad.)
Worst Idea I’ve Ever Had
Probably ending certain relationships or leaving jobs — but there’s no way of knowing for sure. The ideas I’ve had and acted on or had and not acted on have completely changed or not changed the trajectory of my life.
I Got Detention For
Assembling my own newspaper with a few classmates when we were in the fifth grade. It had swear words in it. The only things I learned from the experience were that I could get attention for writing shit (and literally writing “shit”) and that it’s completely society’s decision to give certain words the power that they wield. “Fuck” is only a powerful word because we have tacitly agree that it is one.
My 2016 Resolutions Were
To lose some weight and quit being such an all-around idiot. Neither worked out.
Weirdest Gift I have Given Or Received
I broke up with someone around the holidays and they still sent me the gift they had already gotten me, which was a book about ranch dressing.
Accompanying said gift was a card with a cover that read, “I love the shit out of you.” The rest was blank.
I still miss her.
Favorite Big Game Commercial
I work in advertising so all of them and none of them because I both admire and envy anyone who has ever made a “Big Game Commercial.”
The Hallmark Of A Good Relationship Is
Equal adoration, love and level of commitment. Transparency and communication. Matching kissing styles. Shared values.
At least this is what I assume.
What I’d Like To know About You
When you wake up at 4 AM because you have to piss, what nagging thoughts keep you from falling back asleep?
The Working Title For My Memoir
Two Heads, One Heart.
When people consistently fuck up your/you’re and there/their.
You Should Leave A Comment If
You want to exchange a few messages and then make a semi-earnest attempt to actually meet in real life, which may or may not ever come to fruition.
Favorite Disney Movie
Peter Pan because I refuse to grow up and wish I could fly.
My Dream Job If Money Didn’t Matter
A writer who plays in the NBA. Or an FBI agent working in the X-Files department. Also maybe something less selfless that helps people. Like a mental health social worker.
I’d Donate A Kidney For
Somebody who doesn’t answer this question with “A better kidney!”
Fact About Me That Surprises People
Sometimes I raise my voice.
Most Spontaneous Thing I’ve Done
It’s a toss-up between quitting a job I hated with no immediate prospects coming down the pipeline or that time last weekend when I ate a chicken wing I found on the floor of my apartment that had been sitting out for at least 12 hours.
My Happy Place
The couch, drinking red wine and playing some Magic: The Gathering online.
Favorite Holiday Tradition
Every year I have my Mom take a picture of me when I’m completely naked except for a stocking that covers my dick, so I can see how my weight has fluctuated in comparison with the previous year.
A Life Goal Of Mine
To finish writing a book that I’m ultimately happy with. It’d be great to publish it, too, but there’s not much of a mass market for the kind of shit I write, which includes but is not limited to food-themed erotica.
Most Embarrassing Song On Spotify
I’m not really embarrassed about it but I listen to Celine Dion’s “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now” more often than any other dude I’ve ever met.
I Geek Out On
Comics and Magic: The Gathering.
On My Bucket List
Somehow figuring out what if anything happens when and after we die…before I die.
My Simple Pleasures
Scotch, weed and trashy Chinese food.
Next Vacation I Want To Go On
London or Seattle because it’s gloomy and rains a lot in those places, which is my favorite kind of weather. I have a slight case of Seasonal Affective Disorder but mine is the opposite of the majority. I hate summer, especially now that I’m adult and don’t get three months free to fuck off and do whatever I want. And I sweat. A lot.
Scotch, weed and trashy Chinese food.
Worst First Date
I once went on a date where within 30 minutes of meeting the woman had chastised me for not having ever tasted semen and asked me which part of a human baby I would start with if I were to eat a human baby.
Go-To Karaoke Song
“It’s All Coming Back To Me Now” by Celine Dion.
My Greatest Strength
Empathy and sensitivity. These double as my greatest weaknesses (and biggest annoyances, to put it lightly).
I Don’t Always Streak But When I Do
Nobody is pleased.
Worst Fad I Participated In
I’m Looking For
Someone to complete me so I can stop relating to the U2 song “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.”
Never Have I Ever
Been to Europe or been a great boyfriend.
I’m Actually Legitimately Bad At
My Childhood Crush.
Keri Russell. And this girl Kristin I went to kindergarten with. She has like five kids now.
I’m still into Keri.
What Makes Me Happy
The fleeting moments when I am not anxious or depressed. And all-you-can-eat seafood buffets.