16 Surefire Ways to Really Piss Off Your Ex
A few days ago one of my best friends told me that her shitbird of a now-ex-boyfriend had cheated on her, which is probably the worst thing you can do to a significant other besides murdering them in cold blood.
How’d she find out? A friend of hers saw him on a dating app.
My friend and her beau were living together, and she decided to move out. She was like, “Get the fuck out of here and don’t come back until I’ve gotten all my stuff out of here. I hope your dick falls off, you petulant dweeb.”
How does one help a friend in this scenario? She lives across the country, so I couldn’t take her out to get drunk or anything, which is generally my go-to move whenever I take on the task of helping a friend move past a breakup. So I did the next best thing I could think of: I recommended a bunch of ways she could go about pissing him off, upsetting him, or fucking up his life as he knows it. (I’m terrible at relationships but excellent at fucking with people!)
Here’s the list. Feel free to use any or all for your own revenge. (The first 10 will only work if you’re still in the place you live together or have access to it when he or she’s not home.)
- Before you move out, get some fish and put them in the HVAC vents. Turn the heat all the way up as you walk out. Hide more fish and foul-smelling fare (garlic, onions, vomit, dirty hockey equipment, etc.) in strategic places where he may never be able to find them.
- Perfume-bomb his bedroom with scents from Hollister or Abercrombie & Fitch.
- Upper deck the toilet. (This is the term for when you take a shit in the toilet’s tank instead of the bowl.)
- Cancel all of the utilities, effective immediately. Including cable and Internet.
- Bang someone in the bed you used to share. Don’t change the sheets. Send him a timestamped picture a week or so after you do. All the better if the person you bang is one of his friends. Or the coworker/boss he hates the most!
- If he has a car, get a guy to pee in the gas tank (or funnel your own urine in). It really messes things up and is expensive to fix.
- Take some of his most valuable, cherished possessions and hide them. If this seems harsh, remember that he had been hiding his smaller-than-average salami in people who were not you. Show no mercy.
- If your name isn’t on the lease, damage some things! Carve a huge penis into the hardwood floor, put foil in the microwave, dump grease down the drain, etc. Really let your aggression out.
- Don’t pay to change the locks, but do put super glue in all the keyholes.
- He’s probably afraid of rodents, spiders or snakes. You could buy a tarantula or boa constrictor, for example, and leave it to roam free in the house after you leave. Send him a picture once you know he’s back, so he knows you left him a free-range, venomous parting gift.
- Email his mom and/or dad and tell them what he did. If they’re sensible people, they’ll give him a bunch of shit. I’d say a liar and a cheat is 100-percent likely to switch up the breakup story when he tells his parents about it. The truth will set you free while simultaneously subjecting him to what will likely be months’ worth of familial criticism.
- Post his best and worst texts and emails all over social media so people can see what a fuckhead he is. Bonus points if you’re throwing his sexts out there — because nobody sexts gracefully. Make him live a version of that Carlos Danger nightmare.
- A few weeks from now, email him to say that you had also been sleeping with other people while you were together, and had gone to get tested because you’d had multiple partners and he’d had multiple partners and there was just all kinds of cross-genital exposure stuff going on. Say you found out that you have a terrible STD and that he should get checked immediately.
- Tell him he knocked you up. You could even get a pregnant friend to do a pregnancy test for you that you could then mail to him!
- Change the password to Netflix and any other services you share.
- Move on with your life. Swiftly. Never look back.
